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Haman The Agagite

Prime Minister of Shushan, Persia


Haman "the Agagite" or Haman "the Evil" is the no-good-scum-bucket-right-hand man of the King. He convinces the king to let him be Prime Minister. Abusing his power, wherever he can, he orders everyone in the kingdom to bow down to him. When he approaches Mordecai the Jew and orders him to bow down, Mordecai refuses. Haman, in a rage,  promises to kill off all the Jews at the gallows in two weeks. Haman meets his own demise when his genocide plans are stopped by Esther (the King's wife) who reveals that she, herself, is Jewish.


"Fuck those Jews!, I'm the Prime Minister! I can do anything. If I want to say  the word 'Moist', I fucking do it!"

Favorite Clothing

Big Hats

Favorite Rapper

Little Bow Wow


Rubys, Gold, Haman.

Favorite Food

Death by Chocolate

Favorite Character



King Achashverosh

King and Ruler of Shushan, Persia


King Achashverosh is the ruler of Ruler of Shushan, Persia though he would much rather feast and drink than govern. He decides to throw a 180-day party for the kingdom and decides to flaunt his wife Vashti around as the main event. When she refuses he banishes her from the kingdom and throws a Beauty Contest to find a new wife. He ends up falling in love with Esther who hides her true identity from him. When Esther reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is trying to kill the Jews, the King realizes that he'd much prefer Esther in the kingdom over Haman and kills Haman instead. So I guess you could say, he's a good guy?


"My wife said we're going to make kugel tonight, whatever that is...I hope it's sex!"

Favorite Song

Girls, Girls, Girls

Favorite King


Favorite Movie

The Hangover


Wine, Ale, Kugel

Favorite Character

Pussy Galore


Queen Vashti

Current Queen of Shushan.


Queen Vashti is the wife of King Achashverosh and the Queen of Shushan, Persia. When the King gets very drunk during his 180 day party, he promises his sentries that Vashti will dance for them and remove all of her clothes. Vashti refuses to dance naked which infuriates the king. He has her banished from the kingdom prompting the King to find a new queen.


"Sex is gross!"

Favorite Song

Queen Bitch

Favorite Show

My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Favorite Clothing

The Chastity Belt

Favorite Drink

Virgin Shirley Temple

Favorite Saying

Just Say No


Mordechai (Morty)

Best Uncle in Shushan


Mordechai is the Cousin/Uncle of Esther. He lives on the outskirts of Shushan. When Dave finds and tells them that the King is looking for a new Queen, Uncle Morty strongly encourages Esther to try out in the Beauty contest because the Jews aren't very well liked in Shushan and he thinks her influence could be useful.  He warns her to hide her Jewish identity from the queen just incase he's not a fan and because he's heard that Haman, the King's right hand man hates the Jews. Esther is selected. One day, Uncle Morty is hanging out by the castle gate and he overhears the castle guards talking (singing) about overthrowing the king. He tells the king promptly and is to be rewarded by Haman. Haman who wants to flaunt his evil power, decides to force Uncle Morty to bow down to him before giving him his reward. Morty refuses prompting Haman to threaten to kill all of the Jews. Morty convinces Esther to reveal her identity to the King. The reveals that he doesn't care that she's a jew, and kills Haman Instead thus saving all the Jews from death!


"It's such a lovely gate!"

Favorite Hangout Spot

The Castle Gate

Favorite Family Member

Tie between Cousin & Niece

Favorite Cousin/Niece


Favorite Tense

Third Person

Favorite Song

I'm Still Standing


Queen Esther

Jewish woman who becomes the new Queen of Shushan Persia


Haddasah is a poor Jewish girl who lives with her uncle Mordechai on a farm on the outskirts of Shushan. When Vashti is banished from the Kingdom, the king advertises a beauty contest. Haddasah's uncle requests that she try out for the position of queen because Jews are not favored in Persia and he though that she could bring some good political influence. He warns her to keep her identity secret as the King's right-hand man Haman hates the Jews. Hadassah changes her name to Esther to keep her hide her true self. Esther wins the contest and her and her uncle move into the castle. When Uncle Morty doesn't bow to Haman, Haman decrees that he will kill off the Jews in 2 weeks. Esther decides to tell the king who she truly is and saves the Jews from peril.


"Oh my one god!"

Favorite Movie


Other Favorite Movie

Mrs. Doubtfire

Favorite Song

Truth Hurts (Lizzo)

Favorite Director

M. Night Shyamalan

Favorite Dance

The Twist



Everyone's favorite Dave.


Dave is someone's sidekick. We're not sure whose though. Maybe the King's? Maybe Haman's? We're not really even sure how he got to be in the story of Purim. He literally showed up one day on the God's doorstep and said "Yo, can I be in the Book of Esther?!" God said "Sure, just don't fuck anything up." So, he just kind of stands there and is friendly. Don't you just wanna say "Hi, Dave!"? "Hi Dave"!



Favorite Pastime

Getting Hi

Least Liked Song

Bye Bye Bye

Favorite Horse Food


Signature Move

The Wave

Worst Enemy

Other Daves


The Castle Guards

King Achashverosh's main protection.


The guards are both King Achashverosh's best & worst protection.  In the beginning of the story, the guards desperately want to see the King's wife ,Queen Vashti, dance in the nude.  When Vashti refuses, one of the guards (whomever won "Rock, Paper, Sword" that day) gets to chop off her head. After the King marries his new queen, Esther, the guards expect the same type of "Royal Treatment" from the new Queen. The king has no interest in parading the queen around like a trophy wife, so the Guards get pissy. They try to plan a mutiny, but end up singing about it so loud that Mortechai, Esther's Uncle, overhears. Uncle Morty tells the King and The King quickly kills the disobedient guards. Bye Bye Guards!


"Hey, Vashti! Show us your gazoongas!"

Favorite Restaurant

Medieval Times

Favorite Band

Mötley Crüe

Favorite Movie

Kill Bill

Favorite Day of the Week


Favorite Song

The King Must Die


The Narrator

Storyteller of The Book of Esther


The Narrator is your host with the most, your Jew with the scadoo, your mensch with no stench. The Narrator is in charge of giving you low down on the Book of Esther. He introduces every major character. He encourages you to boo at Haman, cheer for Esther, and feel slightly uncomfortable around the king. He also determines yearly if Vashti should die that year or just be banished - it's a game time decision. Without the Narrator, there would be no story at all.


"Don't get mad at me! I didn't write this story..."

Favorite Narrator

Grandpa from Princess Bride

Favorite Narration Voice

Morgan Freeman

Favorite Movie

Neverending Story

Favorite Book

The Book of Esther

Favorite Holiday