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The Story of Purim

A Very Awesome tale of kings, queens, assholes, kickass girl power, Jews, parties, and triumph (in song).

Chapter 1

Introduction to Ancient Persia


Once upon a time in Ancient Shushan Persia, there lived a King named Achashverosh and a Queen named Vashti. They had a lovely marriage. Well besides the fact that he banishes her in chapter 3. Anyway, just like most times in history, no one really loved the Jews. So this story is about that. Except at the end of it, it turns out, Kings love Jews.

Chapter 2

The 180 Day Party


The King decides to throw a 180-day party – that’s right, a party that legitimately lasts for 6 straight months. Aside from 100+ bottles of wine, coca leaf smoothies, and mistaking the royal Jester for a urinal, the King didn’t get much done. And for the for the show stopper on the 180th day, he thought for some reason it would be a good and reasonable idea to ask his queen Vashti to dance naked for the entire kingdom. That very reasonable request was not taken lightly by his wife.

Chapter 3

Vashti Won't Dance


The King’s request to Vashti to strip nude and performs sexual favors for all of his guards isn’t taken well. She refuses to be objectified, and sings about it! Unfortunately, it’s 2,000+ years before feminism or civil rights or basic human decency are really acceptable things, and the King orders her head cut off…or banished depending on how the writers feel like interpreting it that year.

Chapter 4

Haman's and Asshole


Haman is the King’s right-hand man, an evil prick who begs the King to promote him to Prime Minister of Shushan – giving him more power, and feeding his evil ego. The King, in his drunken haze, grants Haman’s request, unaware of exactly how grave of a mistake he’s made.

Chapter 5

Dave is Promoted


“Dave” is not in the original story of Purim, but our version of Purim couldn’t exist without him. As everyone’s favorite sidekick, it's unclear whether he reports to the King or Haman. The king, feeling lonely after having his wife banished/killed (depending on the year), sends Dave out to search far and wide for a new wife. Being a trustworthy and all-around gung-ho guy, Dave hops to the job.

Chapter 6

Enter Morty & Esther


In a local village, news of the Queen’s demise spreads. Morty, who bizarrely thinks that his niece is the most beautiful woman in the land, convinces Esther compete to become the King’s new mate. Esther wanting to ensure the rule Shushan is without tyranny, agrees. One caveat – the Jews don’t have favorability in Persia, so Morty convinces Esther the only way to have a true chance is to conceal her faith.

Chapter 7

The Beauty Contest


The King holds a beauty contest to choose a new Queen. Kinda like Cinderella, every eligible maiden attends and shows him what they got.


Esther uses her charm and attractiveness to beat all the other women in the contest. The King has found his new Queen! She quietly remembers Uncle Morty's warnings to not reveal her Jewish heritage. Everyone lives happily ever after...until Act 2!

Chapter 8

Esther's New Castle Life


Esther moves into the Castle and finds herself happy enough but bummed out royally that she can't tell the King who she really is. She can't make her Matzaball soup. She can't complain about her kugel burning. She can't eat gefilta fish without hiding away in a undisclosed castle hideout spot (this should probably be the case anyway). How long will she be able to conceal her true identity...?

Chapter 9

The Guards Plot


The King’s guards aren’t thrilled with their lack of power or influence over the King now that Esther is in the way. They plot a terribly poor coup to overthrow and kill the King, and happen to sing it loud enough so that Morty overhears.

Chapter 10

King Rewards Morty


Morty immediately runs to the King and exposes the guard’s plot. The King murders all of his guards (happily), and decides to reward Morty for his actions. He asks Haman what he should give a truly great man. Haman thinking the King is talking about Haman tells him he should reward him with Ruby's and Parade him around town. The King says "That's exactly what I'll do for Mordecai the Jew!" This response was much to the dismay of Haman, who wants all of the praise, all of the time.

Chapter 11

Morty Won't Bow


Haman, furious that Morty has more favorability with the King than he does, becomes aware that Morty is Jewish, and demands that he and all the Jews bow down to him as the Prime Minister. Morty refuses.

Chapter 12

Haman's Decree


Haman decides the only way to ensure his omnipotent power is assured is to hang all of the Jews in Shushan in two weeks for their refusal to bow to him. Morty hears this and asks Esther to tell the King who she truly is as a "Hail Mary" hoping that the King's love for the queen outweighs his dislike for the jews.

Chapter 13

Esther's Plot: The Royal Feast


Esther decides to throw a feast with the intention of getting the King very drunk, and with his inhibitions lowered, expose herself as a Jew and reveal Haman’s evil decree, that will mean she will die as well. The King decides his love for his new Queen Esther outweighs his nonchalant attitude towards Haman, and orders Haman, not the Jews, to hang at the gallows.

Chapter 14

Haman at the Gallows


Haman begs for his life in song, but is unsuccessful. He is hanged, the Jews are saved, and the Kingdom rejoices. Everyone sings.